Change
Over the course of your life, how much time can you honestly say that you've known yourself? I can't speak for each reader, but with each season of my life, I have learned something new about who I am becoming. That concept would drive most to this conclusion: duh. But with the state of the world being what it is, it's provided an abundance of time to reflect and see things from the perspective of isolation and inward thinking. So, here it is:
When I was about 8 I remember standing in my front yard with NSYNC blasting on my portable stereo. It may not have been loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear, but it certainly was plenty for our immediate neighbors on all 4 sides to get a glimpse of. Shamelessly, I rocked my 8-year-old little body from one side of that yard to the other, to the tune of "God must have spent a little more time on you." (If you don't know the song, do yourself a favor and listen, and if you do - you know well that it's not exactly a song that you dance to. At least not the way I described.) Screeching every lyric (even then, I couldn't sing), tossing in random cartwheels, and not caring a lick about who saw or heard as they drove by. That day I learned that I had zero rhythm. Did it stop me from rocking and rolling in every what my body could manage? Absolutely not.
When I entered 6th grade, I learned from my peers that toe socks stretched all the way to my knees with flip flops and white eyeliner were the only way to truly achieve prime coolness. And if said sock weren't ridiculously flashy, neon colors they didn't even matter. School dances, really high ponytails that put my already large forehead on major display, and notes folded and marked with the word "private" and meant only for the eyes of my BFF for the week were all I really cared about. That year, I learned that I cared about the opinions of those around me. More than cared, I obsessed over it.
I'll save you the pain of recounting my high school years but let me summarize: bad choices, terrible friends, attitude from the pit, and mountain worth of unappreciation for how good my life really was. I played church, cussed in the presence of every person who wasn't my parent, and cared very little about who I hurt. I'm proud of very little from high school. I learned then that I was very insecure and didn't truly believe the way my Father claimed to see me.
Praise Him now for change. In the 11 years since I graduated from High School, I married the love of my life, birthed 3 beautiful babies, bought a home, joined a church, dove in headfirst into 2 ministries, and can honestly say that I know who I am, what I care about, what I want, and intimately know The Father that has known me from the moment He breathed life into me. Sometimes change really is beautiful.
And then a global pandemic steps in.
I sit in this coffee room on a Thursday evening. Any other Thursday I would be preparing to come to this very place, gathered together with my sisters for some load-bearing, praying, crying, laughing, and scripture-searching. I would walk in after a long day of work and juggling kids; I'd probably grab some food and a coffee from Starbucks and walk in with the attitude that I see these people all the time - several times a week, they're with me. And on the rare occasion when they're not physically with me…they're just a text or phone call away. I would unintentionally deduce my time with them to be something that would always be available to me. And here we are Covid-19. One day we went on Spring Break, and all of a sudden we're unable to go back to work or school. We're unable to see our friends and family, go to church, or out to eat. Heck, we're not even allowed to walk into a grocery store without screening and some hand sanitizer. How did this happen? When did this happen? WHY did this happen? I just have ALL the questions. But more than any of those questions, every day I'm asking myself why I'm responding to the isolation, the quarantine, the change in routine, the school work, the laundry, and everything in between with contempt & frustration. It turns out that as well as I think I know myself, every season reveals a new struggle inside of me.
Today, I came to the place that my heart has ached for - the church. I walked its halls, sat in an empty sanctuary crying as I let my eyes drag along the aisles of empty seats that are usually occupied by the people that I love so much. People that I have taken the presence of for granted. Our gatherings were so frequent that I honestly hadn't considered any scenario where we couldn't be together. I hadn't considered Sundays or Wednesdays separate from them. I hadn't considered going without their hugs, smiles, or laughs. *heartache* I hadn't considered who I am or would be without them actively involved in my life. Instead of enjoying the comfort of my usual pleasures like church gatherings, Mexican food restaurants, work, and movie dates with my friends…I've spent my days drowning my [very temporary] feelings in snacks and Amazon Prime. Why? Because I'm scared in the unmarked territory. Who knew? I've never been here before.
"Now on the fourth watch of the night, Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying 'it is a ghost!' And they cried out for fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water." So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried out saying "Lord, save me!" And immediately, Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased." -Matthew 14:25-32
*It only took a second. Peter took his eyes off of Jesus for just a second and he sank.*
What I'm learning is that the moment I take my eyes off of Jesus, even now, I sink; usually into my own mess.
What I'm learning is that when people say that "you don't have to go to church to be a Christian", they're not wrong; but they're going to suffocate trying to keep their head above water.
What I'm learning is that I know nothing about waiting. In a world that has taught me to order my Starbucks frap through an app, make purchases through Amazon Prime, pay the $3.99 for digital movie rentals that I can watch on-demand, and all the information I could ever need via the internet… I've been taught to click a button and avoid the wait. And with all of my heart, I think God is sick of it.
He's sick of my schedules. He's sick of my impatience, my entitlement, and casually dragging myself into fellowship meetings instead of sprinting there with the excitement to be near to Him and His people. And though, these things in and of themselves aren't "bad" things, when I do them just because they're things that I want to do and not because it brings Him glory, they become idols…and I think He's sick of it. And in all of those lessons and all of that change, I'm learning that the common denominators are these: I AM ALWAYS CHANGING AND HE NEVER IS.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." -Hebrews 13:8
There are lessons to be learned in this season, friends. This isn't just a long and toilet-paper-free vacation. This isn't another opportunity to watch Gilmore Girls for the umpteenth time or spring clean. He wants change. He wants focus. He wants us running toward Him, His people, His kingdom. It starts with you and it starts with me. Learn with me.
I love you all.
#GPdoneonpurpose
