My Rope of Fear and How it Hangs Me
For more years than I can tell you, there has been a desire in my heart to share with the world my hidden places. A place deep down inside of me that has longed to connect to others' souls through those taboo places that no one talks about, and more than that, the places that SHAME tells us we deal with alone. Hear me, sister; I have some dark places of deep shame. My heart's desire has been to put pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard) and spill into those dark corners. As a member of our Girl Power Core team, I finally have a platform. An opportunity provided by a faithful Father that saw that desire and met me there. Here's my story:
My entire life, I have been crippled by fear. It's not always the same fear, but every dark season in my life has been lined finely with the ache of anxiety and reservation. Fear of not being good enough, fear of disappointing people, fear of looking weak, fear of standing out. Fear, Fear, and more fear. It has been the rope around my neck more times than I could ever dream of counting. I recently listened to a message brought by Stephanie Gretzinger and what she said has rung in my ears for the weeks approaching this day. She said, "Fear means that you doubt that God is always good." A simple concept, but a profound one. You see, not only has this statement stood true in my life, it's practically been a banner that I've worn while claiming His goodness. Can you see the problem there? I've spent the last 18 years of my life with an Almighty God reigning inside of me, and my flesh has done anything but trust him. My flesh has feared, and cried, and shaken, and sought the world, and every other thing you can imagine, except trust Him.
Almost 2 years ago, I was asked to step into this ministry. A leap I ( of course ) feared because of the vulnerability that is required through true ministry. What would come of this season once they saw the real and the raw? Would they still want me? Would they see the giant mess I am ALL THE TIME? THE FEAR crept in with vengeance. But let me tell you about the grace of my Father: He is good. And He truly desires freedom from the bondage of fear for me. It's been painted beautifully by The Artist of all creation in my life. If you'd seen these last 2 years in a movie, you'd have been screaming at the screen hours ago asking me to see what was obviously right in front of my face.
These last 2 years have brought lots of change for me. I went from serving in our church nursery to joining my husband in service in our youth department. I worked in a job that I loved, but The Lord told me that I wasn't supposed to be there and I had to leave. I spent the next 6 months at home as a stay at home mom where I struggled to find my joy.
#gpdoneonpurpose
