Freedom From Sin
"Keeping your head down as you work on yourself robs you of blessings and assignments."
These were the soul-healing words of my precious husband as I laid before him, tears streaming down my face and snot down my nose for the 1000th time in the last 11 years.
For weeks I had gone through the motions: showing up for every meeting, answering every text, attending every church service and assigned shift at work, just to come home to my family, walk past them, climb into bed and numb my mind with whatever sit-com Netflix had recommended for the day. I ignored every responsibility that would normally fill every spare moment in my home and buried myself away in the safety of my covers and sweat pants. Unfamiliar to myself, sure, but deteriorating spiritually. Frustrated with failed attempts to be a better version of myself, I checked out completely. Does this sound familiar to you?
I've been blessed with a wide assortment of women in my life who are crazy self-aware. They know their strengths, their weaknesses, and the minor and major details between…and then there's me. Completely and sometimes blissfully unaware of why I think, act, and speak the way I do. I can connect some dots, and make some connections but as a whole, I don't do a lot of self-searching and this week, for the first time ever, I can finally tell you why. To be real, this crap is painful. The most obvious place to start has been in the last 6 months, but if I'm honest with you or myself, it's been building to this place for my entire adult life. I've been held hostage in the prison of my mind, and unable to truly grasp the concept that I have been utterly and completely forgiven for my mess: past, present, and future. Leave it to the year 2020 to place every error, misstep, sin, and struggle under a microscope. What started with quarantine self-evaluation, quickly and exhaustingly became quarantine self-loathing. (Is that a thing?)
So, to take you back to the bedroom. I had cried and bared my soul to the better part of me. Yes, we had discussed this struggle many times…but had he given these words to me in any other season, I may not have heard them exactly this way. I took a breath and reflected for a moment on this salvation I have walked in. I have accepted Jesus' gift of salvation, but not the freedom of the bondage of my sin through His salvation. I have punished myself mentally and emotionally for years in response to my sin. And what's worse…I've begun teaching my babies the same thing:
A couple of months ago, my Emmalynn and I were driving down the road. We had driven through Sonic for some drinks and as always, my rearview mirror was lined up with my back seat. I looked up for a moment to see big alligator tears in the eyes of my baby. Confused, I turned down the music and asked her why she was upset, just for her to tell me that she was thinking about a sin that she had committed months before. The sin that she had confessed, been forgiven for, and moved forward from…and she, my precious and tender 8-year-old baby, sat in the backseat of my car in the prison of her mind, punishing herself for not being better. My heart broke as I recognized the learned behavior. This is something she has seen in me. She's seen me, heard me mention, and recognized bad moods in me as a result of sin that I can't seem to forgive myself for. I looked her in the face and begged her to know that she is forgiven. I told her that when God looks at her, he doesn't see her sin. He only sees the blood of Jesus. More than anything I've ever wanted, I wanted for her to truly see that as a believer and follower of JESUS, she has been forgiven.
And yet…here I am. Begging myself to believe the same thing.
This is the way the enemy works and I'm really learning that not even our minds are safe from the wiles of the enemy. I dare say that most days, it's the least safe place for me to wander off in. His word even commands that we take captive our thoughts. (2 Corinthians 10:5) THEY ARE NOT SAFE! Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy and if he can divide me from myself…what more is there to do? How is a person with no identity supposed to walk in the identity that Christ has already given me? I have treated myself as an unending list of projects that could never be complete enough to truly impact the kingdom of God.
I lost sight of the cross, y'all. I made my salvation work-based. I tried, subconsciously, to work my way to Heaven.
Over and over again in God's word, He warns against exactly this:
- "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." -John 8:36
- "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your eyes gaze before you." - Proverbs 4:25
- "But Jesus said to him, 'No one, having put his hand on the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." -Luke 9:62
Just to name a few. I can't be alone in this. I have not loved those around me well. I hate to think about all of the assignments I've missed in this effort to get myself 'just right' before I do the leg work. And the Lord only knows the time I've lost beating myself up.
Bottom line: The debt has been paid in full. Every sin I've committed, and every sin I will commit He knows about. And you know what He did? He cast it as far as the East is from the West. (Psalm 103:12) It's been PAID FOR. If you're here with me, I mourn this with you. God has worked out so much in me, but I can't help but wonder what all has been missed because I needed to be tidy first.
Learn from my mistakes. One choice at a time, love the person in front of you. Tell the stranger about Jesus. Do the thing you don't want to do, but you know He wants you to. And for goodness sake, forgive yourself. Over and over and over again, for messing it all up.
"For freedom, Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1
