Earthly Father Vs. Heavenly Father
I had a conversation with Jesus this week. Several, in fact, but one this week that separated itself from the others. I won't reveal the context of our talk, but I will say that by the end, He corrected me with the following statement: "you're asking the wrong questions." Have you ever had this happen? You've unloaded the week's burdens on Him, you've cried, and laughed in the car as you sift through the details of your personal chaos (as if He isn't more briefed on the subject than you are), and then by the end…you're left wondering what you've missed. I'm awed by the intimacy at which He knows me. He knows my needs, the desires of my heart, the things I miss in my own heartache, all of it.
As discussed in previous articles, this year has been one of growth and change. I wish I could tell you every detail of what that includes, but for sake of time I'll just say this: I am not the same.
For many years, I grew into this version of myself that was expected. Though most of my life was perfectly functional and pleasant, there were some areas that I truly struggled with privately. My biological father, being in and out of prison for most of my life, struggling with violent alcoholism, and being absent for most of my childhood really molded who I was for such a long time. More time than I care to admit. Why didn't he love me? It shaped the way I saw myself, the boys I chose to date, and the way I saw a man in general. Now in that time, God provided the perfect stand-in. He was present, kind, honest, and loved me fiercely, though biologically I was not his. He loved my mom with a constance and patience that was foreign to me. He was a dad. Without skipping a beat, he was a dad. My dad. It wasn't until I was about 17 (14 years into our relationship) that I allowed him formally into that role.
This was who I was. I did not trust.
That was many years ago now, and my dad is still as constant and present as he's been since day one…but that day was a mile-marker. It's because of that day that I can look at the man I'm married to now and know that without a shadow of a doubt he's going to love me until the day that I die. In spite of my many less-than-desirable qualities, he will love me. He will love me because he is so like my dad in that way.
Change. What was hardwired into me for so many years is now a distant memory. A painful one, maybe. But a memory nonetheless. My desire for you is that you see yourself the way that our Father sees you. That you choose a man that chooses Him and chooses you.
My prayer is that when the world tells you that you're unworthy, that you're broken, that you're unloved and too far gone, you call them for the lies that they are. Your identity is not in those who have left you, it's not in those who break you, it's not in the ugly words said to you, it's in who He says you are.
"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well." -Psalms 139:14
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