PRIDE
I began this year with one word in mind: fearless. I prayed and asked the Father what I needed to change, and fear was upfront and center. Here we are, 9 months later, and while He has certainly worked on my fear, what I'm learning is that fear is never just fear. Fear is what comes from a multitude of other things, but you've got to be willing to see & receive them.
I opened my bible to 1 John and breathed it in, turned on a sermon series I've been watching on that book, and began to read. Words I've read before, but as I began to soak them in…nausea, light-headedness, and dry-heaving. I felt dirty, disoriented, and unworthy. What in the world?! I stepped outside to catch my breath, ask the Father to remove what I assumed was sickness and return to my seat. As I settled and began to evaluate what had just happened, it occurred to me that what had just happened was not a physical issue, it was a spiritual one that presented itself physically. As if my body tried to purge the sin away from a holy temple, a precious vessel that had stored away the sin that I didn't even realize was there. To some, it may seem silly, but I can't deny the presence of an Almighty God demanding reverence in a moment when I casually opened my bible with sin tucked away in places I had subconsciously convinced myself that He couldn't see.
MY PRIDE JUST MAY KILL ME.
"If we say we have fellowship with Him while we walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." -1 John 1:6-8
You might remember that a few months ago, I wrote a passage about a moment of PRIDE and gentle correction from the Father. The problem was that I treated it as an isolated incident and not as a deep-rooted heart flaw.
Move forward 3 days with me: I sat in an auditorium of people, thousands of people. People of every
background, color, experience, culture, and gender, a sister on either side of me and yet, all alone. Eighteen years as a believer and stagnancy wreaked from me. Everyone could see through it, everyone knew - NO, but God did and that's worse. Every word of every message was written into the dark places of my complacency by a good and faithful Father who needed me to hear the truth even if it hurt me, even if it brought me to physical sickness because pride and humility cannot coexist in the same vessel. One or the other will win.
This is what I mean: sometimes I walk into space and don't say hi to the people I know and love. Sometimes I know people are hurting, and I don't approach them because doubt and fear cloud my vision. Sometimes I don't buy that gift that would be the sweetest of gestures because I wonder whether if they'll receive it the way I intend. All of those things may seem like insecurity, and sure, they may be lined with it…but it's my pride that has dug its heels in. What would that say of me if they respond in a way that I wouldn't choose? This is what I am convinced, Jesus is trying to peel away from my flesh. HUMILITY AND PRIDE CANNOT BE HOUSED IN THE SAME PLACE. Pride blocks the most intimate acts of love, including and especially with Jesus.
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love." - 1 John 4:8
I come to you with these intimate details of my life because my heart's cry is that I fight every sinful instinct, every time. My heart's cry is that when my mind wanders and says "don't say hi [to someone you love] because they probably don't want to talk to you anyway…and I would look stupid", that I go straight to them, love on them, and be who God has called me to be. My heart's cry is that when I'm falling short and the chaos and crazy set in…that YOU, sister, would approach me and tell me that you see my pride peeking through. Because the thing about pride is that I could go my whole life putting on a smile, saying the right things, and sitting in a pew, but if the genuine acts of love for God's people aren't actively being poured over the people in my life, I'm missing it.
I confess this to you, I ask for your forgiveness, and I encourage you to examine those places that feel like insecurity because it's a slippery slope. I never considered myself inherently prideful but by the GOODNESS of God, He sees the things I cannot see, and he yearns for my holiness and good.
#gpdoneonpurpose
